Now I'm sitting face to face with loneliness

livingxaxdream @ 2004-09-24T00:13:00

2004-09-24T04:32:03Z

Well, today was a pretty good day. Just got off the phone with Eddie a couple minutes ago. I was with him all day. hehe. After school I picked him up and we went to Walmart to get a mattress thing for when we go camping Saturday then we went to McDonald's, where Eddie bought me food. Except he made fun of me for getting a kids meal. lol. Then we came back to my house. Played Zoids for a bit. He was being real sweet to me. Kept giving me kisses and holding me and hugging me and stuff like that. lol Started doing whatever but then phones kept ringing and I almost forgot to pick up Kasia. [HeHe. Sorry Kasia] So I went to pick up Kasia and took her to work then came back home. Watched Eddie play Zoids for a bit more. Then we had to clean up because my family was coming over for my sister's birthday. Blah blah.

At around 4 I fell asleep on the couch. And at 5 I woke up to Eddie jumping on top of me yelling "Giddy-up". lolol. It hurt. Then I tried to go back to sleep but he pulled me off the couch then he pulled me to stand up and tried to blow me over because I couldn't stand straight. It was pretty funny. lol. Then let's see. More Zoids. lol. Family came. Ate dinner. Then at like 8:30 me and Eddie left. Drove around for a little then went to his house.

Started watching Bruce Almighty. Then 0=). LoL. I'm such a good girl. HaHa. Uh..Then at like 10:30 I guess we played a little DDR. Then I left at a little after 11. It was so cute. He walked me out to my car and told me to be careful and call him when I got home. So I did. And we talked until about 12 when he made me get off the phone because he says I have to sleep because I have school tomorrow. I know he's right. I'm exhausted right now. But I'm talking to people so sleep will have to wait some.

Last thing. Certain individuals have taken a disliking in me, just because I'm friends with Eddie or something and they want to be with him blah blah. I don't know. And they say some interesting shit. At first, I got kind of pissed. I didn't do anything so they shouldn't be starting trouble. But now, say what you want because you know what I realized tonight? Even if he goes and hooks up with other people, he doesn't have feelings for them. I don't care if he hooks up with them. Because I'm the one he always comes back to. lol. And we do plenty more than hook up. =X So, I have no reason to be jealous. It's not like I'm just sitting my ass at home when he's out so let him have his fun. I know he loves me. This is what I've wanted since like only a couple months after we started going out. But only Brittany knows about it. =/ I guess I got too carried away to realize I finally got what I wanted. But, everything's alright now.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-09-22T23:00:00

2004-09-23T03:10:15Z

Well, I'm not really in the mood to update but I will real quick. Today was alright. After school I called Eddie like he told me to yesterday. Woke him up. lol. So I let him go back to sleep and I went to sleep to. Then he called me at 2 and woke me up because I told him I would drive him to gymnastics. Did that, then picked him Danny, then drove Kasia to work. Came home. Went to tutoring. Eddie called me at tutoring. LoL. Rob got mad. That was funny. Then Eddie called me again at like 5:30 because he was going to the mall with Billy and told me to go to his house. So I did, then we went to the mall. Blah blah. Billy dropped me and Eddie off at his house. I got my car, then me and Eddie went to Toys R Us, where he bought more cars. On the way home, we had a nice little talk about some stuff that should have been talked about a while ago. Then we parked in some parking lot and talked some more, then in front of his house and talked even more. It was a really nice talk. I understand some stuff a lot better now. I also found out some stuff that I really didn't want to know but it's okay. We're okay now. The only thing I have to worry about now is his moving in like 2 weeks. =/ But we're going camping this weekend so i'll get to spend some time with him. It should be nice.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-09-21T21:30:00

2004-09-22T01:34:41Z

Eddie's home!! =D He called me yesterday to tell me that then text me 4th period when he got home. So after I got out of school, I went and picked him up and he came over for a little while. We played Zoids. I got my ass kicked. lol. Then later I hung out with Kasia for some. Not too much happened today. I was supposed to go drop something off at Eddie's house later when he gets home from Billy's but he just called and said that he probably won't be home until almost 10 and I have school tomorrow so I shouldn't go out that late. That I need my rest. I told him it was okay, it wasn't that late. But he insisted that I stay home so I can get enough sleep for school tomorrow. He was so sweet. hehe. Well, I have a lot of shit to do during the next two weeks so I'm off to start. lol.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-09-19T20:45:00

2004-09-20T01:00:24Z

Well, what have I been up to for the past few days? Let's see. Monday was a half day of school. I don't really remember. lol. Tuesday, uhh.. I don't remember Tuesday either. Wednesday, Eddie texts me at 7 in the morning so I was talking to him in school all day, so it wasn't that bad. Used a hell of a lot of texts though. After school, I picked him up then we went to his house to play his new Zoids game that he just got at the mall that day. LoL. I kicked his ass. Well, half of the time. Then I took him to gymnastics. Blah blah. Went to sleep. At like 9 I picked him up again and took him to Sharky's to get his hot wings. Then we game home. And I don't know. He was acting weird. Like we were in the hallway, walking towards each other. And he gives me this smile then kisses my cheek and gives me a big hug then gives me this really cute smile again. And all night he kept giving me little kisses and putting his arm around me and stuff. Then we were in my room and he pulled me towards him and kissed me and we started like making out lol. But I pulled away and asked how come he wouldn't kiss me for days now all of a sudden he's kissing me again. He said because he wants to. I was just gonna leave it at that but then he said he really shouldn't be because he's leaving and all but he wants to. Then he kissed me again lol. Then whatever. He was being all sweet again. Cat scratched me and he gave me a kiss on it to make it better lol. Eddie fell asleep at like 11:30.

Next day, we woke up at like 12. Went on the computer looking for more Zoids. lol. Played some more video games. Went into my room. Did whatever. But Kimmy kept coming in. But whatever. Hotdogs. HaHaHa. Went back onto the computer. Had a nice little convo about how "it was good." LoL. Eddie comes out with the most random things sometimes. And also about how he wasn't just using me for ass, how he could have went to anyone but he went to me. I don't know. lol. Whatever. Played video games all day with Eddie, Danny, and Freddy. Bought gamecube. Dropped Eddie off at like 10. Said good- bye because he's going to Florida for a few days. =(

Friday, Eddie called at like 5 in the morning and woke me up before he left. Went to school. Boring. Had some tests. Whatever. Eddie called me again after school at like 12:15. Talked for some. Then a couple more times that day, like from the gas station in Georgia. lol.

Saturday, Eddie text me at 7:30 in the morning then called me at 9:30 in the morning. Woke me up both times. Didn't do much. Just cleaned all day. =/ And had Boston Market for dinner. Talked to Eddie until about 1 in the morning, watching SNL. Hehe

Sunday, was supposed to go out with Kasia but we had nowhere to go. LoL. So I got stuck watching my sister all day. And talking to Eddie. Nothing really of interest. But whatever. I have a lot of thinking to do. So I'm off to do it I guess.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-09-12T20:24:00

2004-09-13T00:36:24Z

Well, this weekend was alright. Friday night Billy picked me up then me, Eddie, Christine, and Billy hung out for a little. Didn't do much. Just went to Game Stop then up to the mall for some. But it was fun. Saturday we were supposed to go to the movies but Eddie couldn't-long story. So instead Kasia came over and we hung out with Sharbel. Haven't hung out with him in way over a year. lol. We just walked around, went to QuickCheck, then my house and the park. It was pretty fun I guess. Then I dropped Sharbel off at 11 and picked up Eddie. He wouldn't eat so I had to make him. Chinese food. lol. Then we watched Zoids then we went to sleep.

It was so cute this morning when I woke up- Eddie was all curled up under a towel because he didn't have a cover. LoL. He was so adorable. So I had to go get my cover and cover him. hehe. Then after he woke up, we went on the computer for some, looking at more Zoids. He made fun of me because there is this clock next to the computer that just ticks really loudly. And it was right next to me and I tried to ignore it but I couldn't, so i finally just threw it across the room. So Eddie started laughing hysterically and when I tried to explain he only laughed harder. lol.

Then we watched Mighty Ducks 3. After that we played YuGiOh. I lost. =/ But that's ok. I'll get him next time. I wasn't feeling well so he had an unfair advantage. LoL. We had a nice little talk about things with us. So, I'm alright now. Then I drove him home at like 4 and came home slept then did homework and now here I am.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-09-04T23:50:00

2004-09-05T04:20:22Z

Well, once again not too much. Wednesday Eddie was over for a little. We watched Zoids. Got into a fight. lol. Whatever. Thursday, first day of school. Not as bad as a thought. Got a bunch of people in my classes. Then after school, I picked up Eddie. Went to my house, ate, watched Zoids, then I took him to gymnastics. Friday, school. Eddie stopped by for a few minutes. Took my stinky doggy to NJPet to wash her. Now she's all clean!! This dude there kept checking me out. It was rather amusing. Then I came home, went to sleep. I was supposed to go out somewhere with Kasia but I just passed out. Around 10:30 Eddie stopped over for a little. Blah blah.

Saturday morning Eddie called me at like 12 and woke me up. Told me to get ready because he was picking me up in a little to go to Billy's party. First I heard of this. LoL. So I jump into the shower then Eddie comes over. So I hurry up and get ready while he feeds his lizards. Then we go to Billy's, watch 40 days and 40 nights. Then Eddie was hungry so we went to Troops to get him a roast beef sandwich. And he actually let me drive. Which is cool because he said he wasn't going to ever let anyone drive his car, not even Billy. I'm just good like that. lol. =D After that me and Eddie looked at Zoids on the computer. lol. Eddie went to sleep. Ergin came so I went back upstairs with him. Watched part of some movie. Blah blah. Me and Eddie went to Outer Limits but it was closed so we went to the arcade in Passaic for like an hour. Then we were supposed to pick up his friend from work so we drove around for like 30 minutes waiting for her. When she finally came out her mom was there so we just left. Went back to Billy's and then to this carnival in Lodi. We got back to Billy's at a little before ten. Eddie went to take me home but I can be very..*persuasive* 0=). So we went and parked down some street and whatever. LoL. Blah Blah. Then he drove me home at I dunno. 11 something. It was fun.

God I'm starving. I haven't eaten anything since lunch on Thursday. And barely drank anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. =/ Oh well. I'll figure something out.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-09-01T01:29:00

2004-09-01T05:43:17Z

Well, not too much has been going on. Thursday night, Eddie left because me parents want me getting ready for school and all that. Friday night he called me at like 12 and told me he was coming over. He was acting kind of funny when he came over. Like extra sweet. I don't know. Then Saturday, he came over again. Slept over.

Sunday we went to the Renaissance Fair. That was fun. I was supposed to go with Eddie last year but everytime we were supposed to go, it like rained real bad. So we finally went this year. He had a lot of fun. LoL. With the guards trying to hit him and splashing water on him and spitting it on Danny. And the Sheriff telling me I was half naked. Twice. LoL. I bought Eddie a lizard there. A little green anole. It's Eddie's first pet. He is so happy when he holds him and stuff. I'm glad I was able to be the person to get him his first pet. To be able to make him so happy.

Then Monday, we went to the pet store and bought him another one. And I promised him I would buy him another pet before he leaves. Found out he was with Stephanie on Friday night, when he said he was with his cousins. He claims she just happened to be there but whatever. I don't know. Then, when he was over again, he was talking to her on IM on his phone. Claimed he was in a bad mood and taking his frustration out on her. Whatever. I don't know anymore. ::sigh::

Then today, we picked Eddie up from CHS at 12, then he came over. We went to sleep until like 4, after playing with his anoles for some. Then after we woke up, we ate rice-a-roni and macaroni and cheese. Then I got into a big fight with my parents because of my little sister. Blah blah. Eddie left because he had to give something to his sister. Around 7, I went and picked him up then we went to the mall and I got some clothes. hehe. =D

Not too much else going on. Except Brittany's little friends keep calling me. I mean, seriously, I haven't been up there in like 3 months. If they seriously have nothing better to do, then whatever. LoL. Just get over it already. Hehe. Oh yeah. And I got new DC sneakers. =D

Off to school on Thursday. That should be.."fun". LoL. But atleast I get out at 12. But then I have to work all day. But that's alright. Save my money so when I leave I'll be alright. =/

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-08-26T22:42:00

2004-08-27T02:47:39Z

Well, not much to say. Since my last update, Eddie has stayed the night literally every night. Well except one. But that night we both stayed over at Billy's. I don't really remember what else. Mall. Hung out with Kasia some. And Tricia. Went with Eddie to see Yugioh. Twice. Blah blah. It was nice. He was sweet. =D

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-08-12T02:02:00

2004-08-12T06:26:31Z

I GOT MY LICENSE!! WOOHOO!! =D Except my parents won't let me drive because I don't have a car and they won't let me take theirs because they need them. So it's kind of pointless to have a license but oh well. LoL.

So since my last update..Eddie was supposed to come back on my birthday but he went to his sister's and couldn't get a ride. He knew I was upset but whatever. Then at like 1:30 am I was sitting in my room reading and my phone rings. It was Eddie. He goes "Open your front door" then hangs up. So I open the door and he hands me this nice stereo and says "happy birthday" and gives me a kiss. =) Then he says he has to go because..and points over his shoulder. I look and see that he took his car out. And that is bad for many reasons such as his mom didn't know he had it, he smelled like alcohol so if he ever got pulled over, he doesn't have insurance on the car, and he doesn't even have his license. But he took it just to give me my present. =D

Then Sunday, Eddie came over at like 3 and Kasia picked us up and we went to the mall. Eddie came over afterwards and stayed for the night. We stayed up watching Freddy got Fingered and 2 Jackie Chan movies.

Monday morning we woke up blah blah. Eddie left at like 12 to go to the arcade. I went to take my drivers test. Passed!! =) Then uh.. I went to the mall and got my eyebrows done. Came home. Tricia called. She came over. And right as she pulled up Eddie called because he got me food [Peruvian. =D Yummy!!]. So we picked him up. Then we came home and I ate. Me and Tricia went to the park and talked for a while. Then she had to leave so me and Eddie watched Drunken Master again and he stayed the night again. But this time he stole my bed.

Tuesday we woke up. Blah blah. Eddie went with my siblings to my brothers pool to swim. I went out with Tricia. Whatever whatever. Came back home. Eddie was over. Then he went with Billy. And just as me and Tricia were supposed to go out with Paul, Eddie came back. He got pissed because he hates Paul. But I went anyways. Came back at like 10. Went to Wendy's with Eddie. Came home. Watched That 70's Show. I didnt feel good so Eddie was all sweet to me. He kept calling me "my precious". He gave me a really good massage. =D Went to sleep. Eddie slept over again. For the 3rd night in a row.

Wednesday we went to the Sussex County Farm and Horse Show. My family and Eddie. It was fun. Eddie said "I love you" to me. I mean, it's not that big of a deal because he's said it before but today was the first time he said it first in almost 2 months. =D Then blah blah. Ate. Went on rides. Got hit on by some Mexican who wanted to check out my ass as I climbed the rock wall. Got home from that at like 8 something. Watched Freddy got Fingered with Eddie. Again. LoL. He called me his baby tonight. Last time I checked, he said I wasn't. That nobody was but his sister. He got hungry so I was going to go cook him something but I was tired and he knew it. So he was like no, don't worry about it. But I said I take care of my Eddie. But he said no, that I was more important than him. He kept telling me just to sit and relax but I went and made it for him anyways. Then he said "I love you" to me again. =D Then I got a foot rub. Hehe. Later he was playing with his sword and I was sitting holding a pillow and he asked if I was scared. I said no, that I trust him. He came and gave me a kiss and said "Good because I would never hurt you." He was going to leave at like 12 and I was like ok. But he got all mad at me that I didn't try to stop him. That I was just going to let him go. But when I do try to stop him he gets mad. So I figured just let him go tonight; he's tired. But that didn't work either. =/ So he stayed a little longer and whatever. Then he went home at like 2am. And now I'm here, talking to Paul about what we're doing tomorrow. If we do anything because I don't know if I can.

::Sigh:: Eddie's being so sweet and nice lately. He keeps just holding me, cuddling with me. And he keeps just giving me random, little kisses, like on my forehead or cheek when we're watching t.v. or by the computer or something. =D He hasn't been like this in months. Since like I don't know. A long time. Hope it's not too good to be true or too good to last or something. =/ Guess only time will tell, no matter how corny that sounds. Whatever. But God I love him.

<3 Jess

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

2004-08-08T02:11:16Z

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

I'm finally 17!!! YAY!! =D lol. So my day: My family, Eddie and I went out to Applebee's for lunch. And they made them sing to me. It was so embarrassing! They announced to the whole place that it was my birthday and shit. Eddie got a big kick out of it though. =/ Then we came home and I opened presents. Blah blah. I watched Bring It On with my sister then ate dinner. Tricia came over at like I don't rememeber. We went to the park and talked for a while because I haven't seen her all week. Then Kasia came and she needed to get her pictures printed from her digital camera so we went to 3 different places but the machines at all the places were broken. So then Tricia had to go home so here I am.

Since my last update, I think I've seen Eddie everyday. He slept over last night, in the bathtub. LMAO! Because the new kitten is in the bathroom because we can't put him with the other cats yet and when the kitten is alone he goes crazy so Eddie felt bad and so he slept in the bathtub to keep him company. Weird but cute. But that's how Eddie is. I don't know how many times this week he has called me, asked what I was doing, then been like "Okay, I'm coming over.", then like hanging up and coming to my house 10 minutes later. LoL. I don't mind though. And like yesterday, or maybe it was the day before, I'm not sure, he got all annoyed when I was talking to Paul online and wouldn't let me. He kept like closing the IM and putting my away message on and stuff. Because he hates Paul. I don't know. Then he slept over Wednesday night. We stayed up until like I don't know. Watched Double Team and something else. I don't remember. I'm gonna miss this when he's gone. =(

I'm kinda upset because Sean IMed me the other day and I haven't talked to him in forever. But I was away so I didn't get to talk to him and he signed off literally one minute before I came back. =(

Well, I'm off...to do something. I haven't figured out what yet. Probably gonna go pack up some more stuff in my room. I never realized how much crap I had. =/

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-08-04T23:39:00

2004-08-05T03:47:37Z

Well, not much happened. Been hanging out with Eddie almost everyday. Hung out with Tricia a couple of times. And Kasia. And met up with Mark at the mall once. [Thanks again for the present, Mark. lol.]

Yesterday, Eddie made me watch House of a 1000 Corpses and Cabin Fever. They weren't scary but they were really disgusting. And he made me watch Rocky IV the other day, too. I hate those movies. lol.

Hm..What else did I do? Friday, Brian picked up me and Eddie and we went to 6 Brothers with Dave, Bobby, Kim and Ali (?). We had some interesting conversations. lol. Then Mike, Chris and Leah came. Blah blah. The rest of the night was pretty fun, even though it didn't help me rest my knee like I'm supposed to be doing. LoL.

One of my ex's just imed me out of nowhere. Haven't talked to him in over a year. Pretty interesting. LoL. Hm..I think I should go and call Dave now. So byebye.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-07-29T01:59:00

2004-07-29T06:10:48Z

Got a new kitty today. Adorable little thing and so friendly and affectionate. He'll just sit on your shoulder or fall asleep on your lap. But he's very stinky. LoL. And right now he won't sit still. He's crawling all over my back and neck and shoulders and he just jumped onto the keyboard. LoL. But anyways...

Sunday night around 11 Eddie came over. We watched the whole first season of Chappelle's Show. I didn't think I was going to like it but it was actually pretty funny. hehe. Then we beat each other up. I think he won because I am covered with bruises. LoL. Then we talked for a while and he didn't leave until about 5:45 Monday morning. LoL. =D

OMG! This cat is a nuisance. I can't let him just wonder around because my other cats hate him and god knows what they will do to him and if I keep him locked in my room he meows like crazy because he doens't like to be alone. So I'm trying to type and hold him at the same time but he won't quit squirming.

Hm..Then Tuesday night, well I guess it was technically Wedbesday morning, at 2 am Eddie came over again and slept over. We talked for a little then went to sleep. Blah blah. Woke up. Blah blah. He stayed until uhh.. 2 in the afternoon maybe? I don't know. Lots of shit happened. Not bad stuff though.

Now I am very hyper. I was going to go to sleep a while ago but couldn't fall asleep. Hm..So I guess that is it for now.

<3 Jess

Dave = Meanie

2004-07-25T07:41:16Z

UGH!!!! So I went to Eddie's tonight. At like 12:45 until like 3. My mom wasn't too happy about me going that late but oh well. Tonight was the first time I saw him in like a month. ::sigh:: All I have to say is ...

I <3 Kasia!!! LoLoL.

2004-07-22T07:20:55Z

Wow. I am in such a better mood tonight than I was the other night. And I really don't know why. Today was no different than usual. I woke up at 9 because I had a 10:15 doctor's appointment for my knees. Finally. Blah blah bullshit. Then I came home, ate lunch, went to sleep for a while. Then Tricia picked me up at 7 and we went to Wendy's then picked Kasia up from work. Blah blah. Mall. ["Don't walk so fast. You make me wobble." LMFAO!!] Mike. Lmao. Driving. Wendy's again. Mike again. With the cowboy hate. Lmfao! Blah blah. I had sex with Jay. [Just kidding, Kasia. That was last night. =D ]

Got home at like 12 and called Dave. Stayed on the phone with him until 3. Lmao. Best conversation I have had in a very long time. Found out some interesting stuff about when he was up here last summer. But the best part of the convo-well I don't think I should put it here because I don't know who reads this. But he knows what I am talking about. I think. LoLoL. Simply amazing. Just like me! Lol. Sorry. These Cali people make me conceited. Hm.. What else. Oh yeah. Dave read me a note that he wrote when he was here. Omg. It was sooo sweet. =D!! It just put a big smile on my face. I feel bad though because I didn't say anything when he was done reading it because I didn't know what to say. Then he said something else and I started cracking up about the stupidest thing. But I guess he understands. He knows how I am. LoLoL. I don't know. I love talking to Dave. He puts me in such a good mood.

Yesterday wasn't too bad either. I hung out with Tricia and Paul and we went to some cafe in Morristown. Lmao. That was an interesting experience, to say the least. Then whatever and we picked up Kasia from Jay's house. LoL. Kasia and her stupid theory. Which was so close to being true. But it wasn't. HaHa. Kasia- PENIS! hehe. And I don't think Paul appreciated being harassed. But that's ok. He knows we love him. HaHa.

Well, it is 3:20 in the morning about, so I am going to get some food. Because Paul wouldn't bring me any. lol. =/

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-07-20T01:24:00

2004-07-20T05:34:27Z

I hate the way that I am suddenly all emo.
I hate the way people walk all over me.
I hate the way I actually let them.I never used to let people get away with shit like that.
I hate New Jersey.
I hate the way that no one can be trusted.
I hate the way that everyone stabs you in the back or betrays you.
I hate all the shit talking.
I hate people being two- faced.
I hate hypocrites.
I hate liars.
I hate the way that I fucked up with Chris. Jim over Chris. What the fuck was I thinking? I mean there is nothing wrong with Jim at all but ::sigh:: long story.
I hate the way that Cihan moved back to California.
I hate the way that Eddie is moving to Florida.
I hate how I still have one more year of high school left. How I wish I could just go away to college already and be done with this crap hole.
I hate the way that everyone has changed.
I hate how no one is reliable.
I hate how my parents always fight.
I hate how I can never sleep at night.
I hate that, when I do sleep, I have dreams about Eddie. Sleep used to be my one escape from that. But not anymore.
I hate how I can't get Eddie out of my head.
I hate how I always cry.
I hate how I'm never happy.
I hate my life.

Any questions?

livingxaxdream @ 2004-07-19T17:04:00

2004-07-19T21:14:44Z

Haven't updated in a long time so hi all. Just got back from a trip out west which lasted 18 days. Went to Colorado, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, etc. Made me realize how much i really hate Jersey. It sucks way more than you can imagine, especially by comparison to all the other places i've been. But i'm not even going there now.

I've finally decided about the whole moving thing. I'm going to stay here for one reason and one reason only. And only Eddie knows why. And that's the way it is going to stay. Even though i have more places than ever in which to go.

Lmao. Want to know the loyalty of my friends. Everyone's all like "omg i missed you soooo much! i wanna hang out wit you! ..but i can't tonight b.c im hangin out with whoever who i've hung out with the whole tiem you were gone" lol.

On a brighter note, Dave is coming up. Woohoo! I finally convinced my mom to let me go there though so i might do that instead. i don't know. i have to talk to Dave. I was supposed to call him the other day but i didn't get a chance. Oops. Hehe. Better call him tonight.

Well whatever. That's all you need to know.

<3 Jess

...A Glimpse Of My Innermost Thoughts And Deepest Secrets...

2004-04-19T02:56:46Z

Well, I don't know where to begin. When I'm alone, thinking, all my thoughts flow through my head, not wanting to shut up. I can express everything quite clearly when it is not leaving the boundaries of my mind. But the minute I go to write them down or tell them to somebody else, my mind seems to shut off, and all my thoughts get locked in. I need to get them out, but the harder I try, the more hidden they become. But I guess I'm just going to dive right in and see what happens. I'm probably going to end up talking in circles, but I'll try my best. So here goes..

I have no idea what to do about this moving thing. I know I keep saying that I'm going to move, and I can if I really want to, but I'm just not sure anymore. My whole life is set up here. I'm already scheduled for school next year. I have easy classes that I actually want to take, I'm gonna get out at 12. If I go somewhere else, who knows what's going to happen with that. It wouldn't be as good, I could tell you that. And my "friends" are here. They know more about me then I know about myself sometimes. If I go somewhere else, sure there are other people, but they wouldn't understand some things about me without my explaining like the people here do. But, that could be a good thing. Once Eddie leaves, it's going to hurt real bad. And everything around here holds memories of him, us. There is practically nowhere I can go, nothing I can do, that won't remind me of him. Just thinking of it now and I'm about to cry.

Crying. That's another thing. All I do is cry anymore. I used to never cry. Ever. Tricia has known me since I was 3 and she's only seen me cry once or twice. Kasia, same thing. But now all I do is cry. It's pathetic. I used to hide myself behind a wall, but the wall seems to have fallen. I'm just all over the place now, a total mess. The only person who ever got behind my wall was Eddie. And now that he's gone, he seems to have taken it with him. And I hate crying around him now. I don't want to make him feel worse, make all this harder for him. So everything just gets kept in. He was the only person that I ever, in my whole entire life, ever fully expressed myself to. And now that's gone.

I don't even know what's up with Eddie anymore. He's been acting really strange lately. Stranger than usual. I know this is all hard on him but some stuff doesn't click. Like yesterday. Billy asked me if me and Eddie wanted to go to Sports World with him. Eddie was at worked so I text him. He called me right away, said he'd be out at 4, he wanted to go, and he'd called me after work. Well, he never called. At about 6;30 I called him. He wasn't home and when I asked him where he was he just said "far far away". Claims he wasn't in Clifton, or the mall, wasn't with anyone and his mom dropped him off. But wouldn't say where except "far far away". When I said he was supposed to call me after work, all he said was oops. Then said he was gonna go and would call me later. At like 10:30 he called me back. Still wouldn't say where he was. A little kid said something to him in the background and I asked who that was but all he said, with a big attitude, was a little kid, duh. I was pissed so I didn't talk and we got off the phone. Speaking of the idiot, he just called. Sounds real happy. Today he was supposed to come with me after church to some dinner thing at church. So I called him twice and he never answered or called back. He just told me now he was at his dad's today, in Kearny yesterday at his dad's friends. This is like the 5th time in a month that he told me he would do something with me then ended up doing something with his dad. I mean if he want's to see his father I am completely fine with that. But just don't tell me you're gonna see me, then just go with your dad and not even tell me or answer your phone and not tell me until after you get back. I mean, it only takes two seconds to call. But enough about Eddie. If I wrote everything on my mind about him, we would be here all night.

Friends. Or should I say "friends"? I have no real friends. Just acquaintances. I now know exactly, exactly what Cihan meant when he was here. I understand everything he said now. Kasia is always way to obsessed with Jay. Sorry if you get mad, Kasia. I don't mean to piss you off. Just saying how I feel. She never calls me unless Jay's not home or something or they got into a fight. And if I ever need to talk to her about something I'll get like two words in before she starts off on Jay. I know if been doing that with Eddie alot lately but it's different because the shit between me and Eddie is a lot more important than "OMG! Jay's talking to Miriam! ::gasp::" I never here anything but Jay this, Jay that. And I know all you people feel the same way because you all have told me atleast once a day. Literally. Brittany is always doing god knows what. When she lived in Clifton she used to call me all the time. Now, since she moved, shes called me like twice out of her own free will. I mean I know she has her new friends and all and other friends and I'm not saying, you know, she has to talk to me all the time. I just never know if I should call her or if I'm bothering her. But she has been great with everything I'm going through. Always listens and stuff when I'm upset or crying or mad. And I know I annoy her. I annoy myself. But thanks Brit. =D Tricia too. She's been real supportive. She know's exactly how I feel with alot. I love her. <3 She's always so optimistic.

Well, I have to go to sleep. I'm not done though. I'll continue this some other time. Good nite.

<3 Jess

"What happens if you sing country music backwards?"

2004-04-17T18:48:04Z

You get your job and your wife back! HaHaHaHa!! Gotta love the Scooby Doo joke book!!! HaHaHaHaa!!!!!

Wow. Last night was uh..I can't think of a word to describe it. I went to Eddie's at 11 after he got out of work, bringing him his birthday apple pie from Wednesday that me and my dad ate like half of. LoL. He finished playing the game he was playing then we just laid down and watched part of Scorpian King. I, of course, had no idea what was going on so I put on toon disney and watched Gargoyles. hehe. And some other shows like Darkwing Duck and Talespin. Well, sorta watched. hehe. But then things got weird. Because I wasn't sure about certain things. I don't know what to do anymore, or what I want. I know you people have no idea what I'm talking about (and if you think you do, you don't) because only Eddie knows but yea. Blah blah. Fast forward until about 2:45, he got all pissed off for something that was his choice once again and left the room. So I was laying on his bed crying because I am so lost with him sometimes. And he just was in the other room watching T.V. So like 15 minutes later I went in there and flipped out, trying not to scream at him, being the fact that it was 3 in the morning and everyone was sleeping. Then I just sat on the futon as far away from him as possible and he went into the other room. Then I went in there real quick just to get my stuff and I saw that he was going to sleep. So I tried talking to him and he was his usual unanswering self. So I got all frustrated and upset so he gave me a hug and blah blah. Then I got my stuff and went to go into the other room but he asked me to lay with him. So I laid next to him, holding him, for like 30 minutes with him sleeping, me trying not to sleep, until my brother came at like 3:45. I met his friend Kyle (a girl hehe), they drove me home and went back out. I wasn't tired so I started watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien. I finally went to sleep at like 4:30.

I just don't know. Eddie knows what I'm going through, trying to get over, yet he pushes and gets mad when things don't go his way. Sorta. I really don't know how to explain it. I just want him to be there for me, and support me, and help me get over this. I tried telling him that last night but I don't know. He said last night was it, but I don't know. We'll see. I'm trying. And hopefully he knows that. We'll just have to see what happens next time I talk to him. =/

My head hurts .. =/

2004-04-16T23:57:25Z

Well, this is going to be long again. Sorry to whoever actually reads this piece of shit. Since I really have no one left to pour my heart out to, I pour it out here.

Wednesday was Eddie's birthday. He's now 18. lol. Legal. hm.. =) So my mommy let me stay home from school so I went to his house at like 9:30. And we just slept til 12:30. Then my mom picked us up, we dropped my kitten off home because she just came from the vet, then we went to Ihop. Eddie was soo sweet to me. He kept putting his arm around me and kissing my cheek. =) So then after that we came back to my house because the town is fixing the gas lines on my street so they had to do some shit in my basement. My whole house smelled like gas. I started to get realyl dizzy so me and Eddie went up to my parents room to watch tv. And like all day he kept calling me 'Baby' by accident out of like habit then apologizing so after about the 10th time, when we were upstairs he did it again. He started to apologize then he was like you know what? you are my baby. Then he pulled me and gave me a hug and a kiss. Hm.. Then what.. It was just a really weird day. He loathes his birthday so as the day went on, he kept getting more and more upset. So I don't even remember. More happened but I can't think right now. We had to go to my sister's concert thing at 7 then we drove Eddie home cause his family was over for his birthday.

Yesterday Eddie got out of work at 6:30. So my brother drove us to the mall. Blah blah. Played DDR. Creepy guy tried to hook up with me. I wore Eddie's boots while he wore my sneakers because he couldn't play DDR in boots. They were huge on me. He yelled at my about playing DDR with no shoes on because they're metal and I can hurt myself blah blah. Then he flipped out at me for something that was his idea. Being a total asshole. I don't feel like writing anymore so I guess this isn't going to be as long as I thought.

Oh yeah. Was is Wednesday night? Jon called me. Being a total annoying ass like usual. Seriously, I haven't hung out with him since last Easter. Get the fuck over it. He's gonna be 20 in like 3? months. He seriously needs to grow the fuck up. He's soo god damn immature and whatever. UGH!

...I'm so tired of looking into mirrors just to see the reflection cry...

2004-04-12T18:29:04Z

Well, this weekend was, for the most part, pretty good. There were a few bad spots (lol mostly because of Eddie) but oh well.

Friday, Kasia, me and my sister went to Mandees. Just looked around some. Bought some things. Then we went to GiGi's for dinner. KAsia left at like 9:30. Then Eddie called me at like 10 and flipped out because I didn't tell him that my mom was working and my dad was sleeping, so I couldn't pick him up. LoL. Who knew I was supposed to? I text him. Not my fault he didn't call. But then he showed up at my door at like 10:30. Scared the shit out of my little sister. LoL. But he was still mad, of course, and wouldn't talk to me. But then finally he came over and kiss me. And that was that. I wasn't in the mood to argue so it was dropped. It was a really great night though. Really nice. I was laying on the coach watching that 70's show and I fell asleep. Like an hour later Eddie woke me up by kissing me. It ws really sweet. Then we stayed up until 5, just laying down and talking. And he actually talked to me and opened up. He's only done that like once before. He willingly talked about his past and some other stuff he hates talking about. And he answered me about why we're not getting back together. He said it's too much responsibility to have a relationship right now. So I pointed out that we're acting the same way as we did when we were going out; the only thing that would change would be the title. And he said that the title was the point, that when you have the title, it's more, and deeper in you. And I actually completely understand that and agree. That's all I wanted to know for the whole time that I was bothering him about it. And I don't even think that he knows that. LoL. Then before we went to sleep he tooked me in. It was so cute. =D

Saturday, I woke up at like 11 when Eddie came into my room and attacked me with kisses all over my face. hehe. So we got up and dyed Easter Eggs. hehe. AfterI drove Eddie home because he had to go to work, I came back and went to sleep from about 1 until 5. I got up and showered and all that and Tricia picked me up at 7:30ish. Then we went and picked up Brittany and just drove around. We went to Ridgewood (?) to get Starbuck's then we went to Wendy's for dinner. HaHa. After that we found some of Brittany's male friends so me and Tricia went and talked to them just to embarass Brit. But they were nice. Except when we were talking Eddie called and was all like who are you with and shit because he heard them in the background talking right next to me. Oops. LoL. Then we left them and found more of Brit's friends. lol. Blah blah. We dropped Brit off and thanks to my brilliance when he comes to highways, me and Tricia found our way back.

At that point I was planning to go to sleep. But no. At like 12:30 I think Eddie calls me all drunk and being an asshole. So I got pissed and called Brit. Then he called back at like 2ish being an even bigger asshole. When I asked of he cared that he was being an asshole he told me that he would have to get back to me on that. =/ And he kept getting worse I starting crying and asked what was wrong with him and he said bye and just hung up. On me crying. But when I asked him about it on Sunday, he didn't remember or know I was crying. =/ Whatever. So I was upset and Brit was already sleeping so I called Dave and cried to him until his phone died. (Thanks, Dave. It really means a lot to me the you're always there. *muah* =D)

Wow. This is long. But there's only one day left. Sunday. Went to church for Easter. Then my mom told me she invited Eddie for Easter dinner. ugh! Not the person I wanted to see but I had no choice. So we stopped by Food Basics to ask him if he was coming. He was acting weird and said he would call and let us know. So then I came home and went to sleep until about 3ish when my grandparents came. At about 5:45 Eddie called and said he was coming so my brother and I went to pick him up. He was acting weird still and all through dinner there was this tension between us. After we ate I didn't feel good so I went to lay down in my room. About 10 minutes later Eddie came in and layed down across me. Things were a little better but still not normal. Then he went to sleep and I brought him home at like 9:30.

This morning, Eddie was being normal but after school he was weird again. I don't get him sometimes. I really don't. I don't get alot of people. I was talking to Tricia today and she feels the same way about a lot of things here as I do. Whatever. I'm going to sleep. Sorry this is so long. I just have a lot on my mind lately. =/

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-04-09T15:27:00

2004-04-09T19:27:40Z

11 Months.. =/

::yawn::

2004-04-09T05:46:27Z

::yawn:: Holy crap I am exhausted!! And now Jay is complaining to me about Eddie. Whatever. Anyway, yesterday I talked to Eddie. Sort of. He didn't remember saying what he did to me on Saturday and felt really bad and blah blah he wouldn't really talk to me but he just like grabbed me and hugged me and kept kissing me and holding me and stroking the side of my face and running his fingers through my hair but he wouldn't really talk. So yeah. Blah blah. Then I left. Being confused.

Then I went to tutoring. Oh fun fun. Then me and Tricia went looking for jobs. Everything was either not hiring or closed. So we stopped at Food Basics real quick to play a joke on Eddie. Didn't work that well but oh well. It was still funny to me and Tricia. Just like everything. Then we drove some more looking for jobs and just talked. Which was cool.

So then today uh.. what happened today..I am so tired I can't think. Oh yeah. So after school my grandfather picked up me and Eddie from school and drove us to Eddie's house. We play James Bond which I totally suck at. But that's ok. Then we ate waffles. lol. Then watched part of some Batman movie. Blah blah. My mom picked us up at 2:45 and dropped us home. Got money and charged my phone then my mom drove me and Eddie to the mall. Played DDR. Ate. I had Popeye's (yum) and Eddie got food from the place next to there. A something. I don't remember the name. Then we just walked around. Bought Cheaper by the Dozen and waited for my mom. For like almost an hour we just sat waiting.. talking..And we came to a conclusion. Me and Eddie are "together" but just not boyfriend and girlfriend. More than friends, less than boyfriend/girlfriend. I guess I'm going to have to be content with that answer for now. And we also concluded that tomorrow would still technically be our 11 month anniversary of being "together".

After my mom finally came at like 8 she dropped us at Eddie's. We were gonna watch Cheaper by the Dozen then but his brother was watching something so we just laid down and I fell asleep for like 20 minutes. And after I woke up his brother was gone so me and Eddie got up and watched our movie. He was acting weird though. From the time I woke up til the time I left. His mom was downstairs yelling about something so maybe that has something to do with it. Or maybe he was thinking. Whatever the case he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. My mom got me at 12 and I left without so much as a goodnight kiss. But I'm not even going to bother to ask him about it. There's no point.

My leg hurts. I somehow hurt it at Eddie's, while laying down watching the movie. It's my right leg on the outer side right above my knee. I can barely walk on it and it's swollen. Beautiful right? =)

Ok. And now, on to the stuff that Dave wants to hear about. I'm sick of the way that everybody has been treating me lately. If they want something, or they're bored they come to me. But if I ever need something, they're nowhere to be found. And I'm sick of the way people tell me they are going to call me or call me back or something but never do. I mean, I understand a few times is ok. Things come up. No big deal. But when it is every single time, everyday, sometimes more than once a day, that is where I draw the line. And these people are my supposed "friends". Friends don't treat each other like this. I'm always here when you need me. I always listen to you people complain about all your problems. And I don't mind. Because I am your friend and I want to help. But its fucked up when I need you and you don't give two shits about me. Until you need my help again.

But you know what? I don't give two flying shits anymore. I really don't care. If you want to treat me like this, go fucking ahead. I'm going to be gone this summer anyway. I'm moving with my aunt in Florida. And not just to be by Eddie. That's just a plus. I'm getting as far away from this fucked up place and all these back-stabbing two faced jerks as I possible can. Any questions?

</3 Jess Sorry, Dave, that this is so long. LoL. And that it took me so long to write it. I told you I had a lot to say. LoL. It was only 30 minutes. And that's because Jay kept iming me bitching about Eddie. =)

...Everyone just needs to grow the fuck up...

2004-04-07T01:42:34Z

FUCK THIS GOD DAMN CLIFTON SHIT!!

Another Day Is Going By, I'm Thinking About You All The Time

2004-04-06T17:59:15Z

LMFAO!!!!! If I don't talk to Brittany soon I am going to explode. I have to tell her something soooo bad! It is sooo funny! HAHAHA!! I haven't stopped laughing since I found out. And just so you know I'm not crazy Eddie found it funny, too. And if you know Eddie you will get that. HAHAHA!!!!!

Anywayz.. Eddie's sick. =( I feel bad. (FEEL BETTER EDDIE!!!) I think I'm going to get balloons and soup or something and leave them at his house while he's at work. I don't know yet though. I'm kind of annoyed because I really have to talk to him about something he said this weekend but yesterday he had to go into work early because Gabe called in sick and today he had to go to work early because I had to come home and watch my sister and he had no ride to work later. So I couldn't talk to him either of these days. Hopefully tomorrow I'll actually be able to talk to him. And Thursday's his day off so maybe then. I just want to get it over with because all this confusion is driving me crazy.

<3 Jess

livingxaxdream @ 2004-04-04T15:52:00

2004-04-04T20:05:41Z

Well yesterday wasn't all that bad. My mom woke me up at like 1:00 and brought me soup. =) Then I cleaned my room some. Brittany came over and we went to the park for a little while then Mel and Matt came and we went to 6 brothers. Then they dropped me and Brit back at my house at like a little after 7. Then blah blah. Elemer called and I was talking to his cousin for a while, apparently "smack talking". lol. Then we called Dave on 3 way and I bitched at him for still being with that god damn mexican bitch. Then at like 9 Chris came and picked us up and we went out to get coffee. (Yes Elemer. Really coffee. lol) That was fun because I haven't seen him since that one match of Eddie's. So we went to Starbuck's at Barnes and Noble and then blah blah we just drove around, with Chris going like 100 mph. lmao. Brittany was quiet like the whole time and it was really funny cause his damn mustang is so loud. lolol. And his stalker, Brit. lol. Pathetic.

I have been in a really hyper weird mood aaalll weekend so don't mind this entry at all. Eddie called me last night and woke me up at like 2:30 then again at like 2:45. He said some stuff that I have to talk to him about. Hopefully it wasn't just the alcohol talking. =/ But I don't know.

<3 Jess